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Roberts Space Industries ®

Toast Armada / LOAF

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A Greater Purpose Beyond The Stars

“Even the ordinary man, wholly unremarkable, has a place in these Hallowed Channels.”

Open your hearts and submit to the laws of convection.



History

The Practical Accounts of The Church of Toast Totality

Introduction: While the origins of the first bountiful harvest, the Holy Loaf, the fires of life bearing convection, and the toast totality which awaits us all, is greatly unknown… It is through meditation whilst melting butter that we seek out the wisdom ingrained in us all, the followers of The Church of Toast Totality, that we find the true purpose of our existence.

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Readings from the Accounts of Zacho, “The First Bountiful Harvest”

  • “In the beginning, there was The Grain. The bountiful harvest of The Grain, became the holiest of loafs. From this loaf, we all once came. The first slice of the loaf was known as the Holy Bread. The Holy Bread was good. Born unto a sacred world, where the Holy Bread was to obtain ascension and be graced by the blessed butter. As with before, so shall it be again. The Holy Toast, in all of it’s delicious crispiness, was ascended and was graced by the blessed butter. Baptized in the Yolk of the Egg. “
  • “Grant us the wisdom to remember, this is all part of the grand design to make the perfect Toast. While the grand design is divine by nature, heresy comes from free will which was bestowed upon us all through the original blessing of the first bountiful harvest, from whence we all came. Through our gift of free will, we are blessed with the oppurtunity to create fresh toast as creation has intended. It is up to us all to become divine within ourselves, and purge such hericy in any form it may come.”

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Readings from the Accounts of Blind, “A Fanatical Guide to Practicality”

  • “We are not worthy to gaze upon the perfect toast… should it be prepared with creamy butter or baby butter… we are not to judge.”
  • “Before toast, the slice of life must be moved from the holy loaf
    and thus then be removed from the heralded heat lest it become burnt toast
    only one who comes from wealth may have the latter of the conveyors but it is from loving hands that may behold the perfect toast.”

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Readings from the Accounts of Inquisitor Fortified, “Burnt Toast”

  • CONGRATULATIONS, you have SURVIVED the most holy Purge. Either through mettle or luck, only true believers remain. Cast a scornful eye on the likes of Regal.ioo, who did not posses the FANATICISM to return to our humble sanctuary. You are safe here, it is good. Praise the Good Toast, lest ye be reduced to a split of naught.”
  • “Even the ordinary man, wholly unremarkable, has a place in these Hallowed Channels. You however are disgusting, and incapable of perceiving even the goodness of toast corners. For this, you are Purged. May whatever twisted god that whips your state square have it’s own cruel mercy on your Buckeye dynamo, because you do NOT have a soul.”
  • “For the crimes of Insignificance and Loitering, you are hereby Purged. Your obituary will be your first name, followed by a date.”
  • “You almost seemed normal, until you bit your tongue in twain and screamed ‘Fortnite!’ with gnashing teeth and bloodied gums. You are not a welcome in this sanctified place, and you will be removed before you bring blight. Purged with extreme prejudice, a crater is all that will remain of your screaming mote.”
  • “Your time will come soon. The son will eclipse the father.”
  • “For the crimes of Mining and Criminal Association, you are hereby Purged. When you drift into the cold dark, you should think of these horrible crimes, and repent if your backwards tongue and inside-out eyes can see reason through the screaming sensory nonsense that doubtlessly floods your feeble, encrusted brainstem.”
  • “If we fail in our holy objective, we will cease to exist in ways we cannot begin to comprehend”

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Readings from the Accounts of Inmate, “A Prophecy Fulfilled”

  • “We lay amongst the grain just to be with our kin.”
  • “Like a colony of yeast, the bread is strong as a loaf. We slices must all come together.”

Manifesto

A Follower of Toast Totality

Followers of the Church of Toast Totality demonstrate unmatched, fanatical heroism and loyalty. The Toast Armada abides by the laws on convection. These natural laws guide us to the perfect Toast Totality. To be bathed in the blessed butter.

Governments of man hold no domain over the true believers.

Are You Ready, Brother? Join us on Discord…

Charter

The Commandments of Convection

As a devout follower and true believer in the Toast, you will demonstrate the following characteristics:

  • Thou shall always follow the laws of convection, lest thee be toast which has been blackened by sin.
  • Thou shall give to thy neighbor as thou has giveth unto themselves.
  • Thou shall respect the laws of man, until the laws become contrary to the laws of convection.
  • Thou shall take from man, without remorse, when the fires of convection yearn to be fueled.
  • Thou shall never taketh from a follower of Toast Totality, lest thee slice of bread be darkened by sin.

Young bread, these are the commandments of the Holy Loaf, from whence the slice of life came, born from the grain of the first bountiful harvest.

The Laws of Convection

So I say unto you brother, do you know of the First Bountiful Harvest? The yield of this harvest was the grain. The grain made the holiest and most blessed of Loaf’s. Upon it’s rise and fall, The Holy Loaf was divided into slices, of count unknown. It was then, the great consumer decided that a simulation must be birthed, to prepare the perfect toast. The simulation, a boot strap, the ultimate act of compression, a single binary digit, which by it’s very entry into the endless void, set forth a chain of events to compute the perfect toast. It is by this act, we have come to be. I say to you brother, we are here to create… the holiest of toasts, lest our toaster be discarded and creation destroyed ten times over.

The laws of convection came to be. One must ask, do my actions honor the bountiful harvest? How may I, a devout follower of Toast Totality, produce the freshest of Toast. Are my actions in accordance with the Laws of Convection knowing I must both honor and produce? I will, I must, we must carry on, into the unknown, lest we be destroyed by our righteous consumers.

Praise be to the Holy Loaf.

Please reference Readings from the Accounts of Zacho, “The First Bountiful Harvest”, for further information.